I think this generation is afraid.
they've gotten so good at avoiding the uncomfortable things.
all they want is to feel numb. and they've got the resources...
but do they realize what they're missing?
what would it take to instill a desire to feel?
a few have it. some want it. but most have no idea where to go with it.
I think control is at the root of all these problems. the place no one wants to go.
no one wants to talk about control. no one wants to make anybody uncomfortable when they bring up the topic.
and no one really wants to change.
this is a hard thing to write
cause I feel like a hypocrite...
I'm not really ready to change either.
but I see the need.
why can't now be the time?
I'm tired of the hiding. I'm tired of the lying. I'm tired of the trying.
& we have no idea where to go.
all we've learned is how to put on a show.
make them think what we want them to think.
don't give them anything they could use against us.
run from yourself.
you aren't what they want.
be strong.
be wise.
be bold.
be daring.
be beautiful.
be kind.
be funny.
be you. (they say)
but only if you are this way.
so we put on a facade.
we go numb.
we drink. we smoke. and we run.
and sometimes it's fun.
trying to feel something but never the feeling we need.
we find the sensations that never satisfy.
the love that is lacking.
and the haze of being absent.
these things might not really seem like control issues at all. but deep down...I think they are. we like to be comfortable. and to some of us, numb seems pretty comfortable. at least in the moment. it isn't nearly as scary and raw as letting your eyes tell others what you're feeling.
so instead,
we laugh.
to escape the chance of anyone seeing right through us. we deny ourselves the freedom we deserve. to chase the things that make us feel alive.
I crave the adrenaline of hanging my legs over the edge.
but instead, I settle for all these things that take the edge off.
I think control has disguised itself as freedom.
I think pain has disguised itself as comfort. (as normal)
I think pleasure has disguised itself as joy.
I think fear has disguised itself as depression and distrust.
I think numbness has disguised itself as peace.
& I think I have disguised myself as anything but who I was created to be.
& the devil dances when we believe these things.
the things that tell us we're doing okay. nothing needs to change.
but it does.
we were created to be loved and to love.
but right now my love is of this world.
fake and empty.
I want the real love.
the raw love.
I want a love that runs through the streets. that chases the reckless truth of this life. filled with the desire to know more, to feel it all, and to experience the unknown. to be fully alive. bouncing with excitement.
while taking a moment.
to breathe it all in.
Father, be my one true love.
make me like you.
make me yours.
the Sovereign LORD declares, "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh." Ezekiel 36:26