here's to

here's to a year gone by

a season that cannot be recaptured

where an ending blends into a beginning

a beginning with endless possibilities

and then there's me...

planning the future months to be even better than the last few. full of expectations and unlikely dreams. trying not to wonder "what if this" and "what if that" about tomorrow and yesterday. I say I'm trying to live in the moment and enjoy this season of life, but y'all it's hard. I have all these goals for myself that don't make any sense. I have all these expectations of what my friends and family should be doing around me. and I have all these prayers that I'm afraid to pray. because that, my friend, would put me out of control... I enjoy having input about whatever falls into my direct line of sight as well as having a say in whatever I spend my time thinking about. but honestly, it hasn't been fulfilling in the slightest. oh and I also really like it all to look good. that everyone sees what I want them to see, but not too much, because I like to keep a little mystery. I want others to sense and feel the beauty of life, myself included as well as my friends and even people I've never met. I want them to think "wow. she's doin' life right." why do I want people to think that??? why is that my focus??? friends, I look down on myself for things like this. and I wish I could say I'm moving past that (the "wow" thoughts I'm hoping others have about me, as well as the negative self-talk) but I'm strugglin' hardcore man. I don't feel like I'm enough if people don't think something of me. I want to be out there. I want to be known. and I'd be lying if I told you that wasn't part of the reason I started this blog. I hope that people read my prose and think "wow that's deep" or "I can really relate to her" when in reality I don't publish half of all the posts I type up once I think twice about it. I get nervous. I don't want you to think of me differently than the way I WANT you to think of me. so I choose my words carefully. I write about things I believe people want to read about, which is not always what's on my heart - although I do post those sometimes as well (and those are my favorites).

and while I write this I'm expecting myself to leave this one in the drafts too.

but I'm tired y'all. I don't want to keep pretending. I want to be honest. I want to be vulnerable. because that's what I expect from those around me. I want us to ditch the facades altogether. I want each of us to live as the individuals that we are, created by God to live unique lives that are pleasing to Him, and build HIS kingdom. not all of us are meant to do that building in the same ways either!!! for some it might be travelling around the world to grasp the depth of the Lord's creation, for others it might be reaching out to a neighbor that their heart is heavy for, and for even a few it might just be praying for healing from their past. there is no end to the ways God uses his children to further his kingdom. that means we should be united by our differences and stop comparing ourselves to each other or assume that we wouldn't be friends or work well together. God uses the broken for his glory by showing his power through all our weaknesses. so don't you think he'd use a group of us broken individuals to do something powerful for his kingdom?

I can write all these things and have all these dreams. but they will never come to be if I don't first let the Lord take the pen from my hand. he might even change my dreams...I don't know!!?!?! I have to release my grip first. and that's scary y'all. I assume that I'm going to have to be humbled first. because humility comes before honor. and Y'ALL that truly terrifies me. cause it's probably gonna hurt. it might make me uncomfortable. and it sure won't be easy. (do I really want the "honor" or the "rewards" of a relationship with my creator?) I don't want to lose whatever I feel that I have right now. if it's friendships, values, interests, or lifestyle choices. I don't want to give up that control or that "normal" in any area of my life. I want it to be on my time. but it never is. God's timing is perfect. and He will use us either way, but until we give in and let him have our whole lives, we will never experience fulfillment. because a relationship with our creator is the only thing that can fill the "God-sized hole in our hearts." and that's when he really gets to connect with us. when we are wholly trusting, relying on Him to bring us to tomorrow - that's when our beginning really starts. and it's beautiful. because it blends into eternity.

so here's to laying our lives down. to letting go of the past and handing over the pen that writes our future.

here's to the wisdom that God shares with us. and to trusting in His goodness.

here's to the emotions we battle and the uniqueness of each of our lives.

and here's to being real and loving every moment no matter where you're at or who you're with.

and finally, here's to heaven and earth, united by Christ's gracious, selfless, sufficient sacrifice - that continually teaches us about unconditional love.

&& now...live fully. love radically. and embrace the journey because God's kingdom deserves nothing less.